Apr 04

When the Children Cry, the Government Must Answer

When the Children Cry, the Government Must Answer


Lesley Stiegle


Every year as summer heats up, the same human rights issue comes to the forefront. During the sweltering summers, countless children have to do without. They are forced to endure the heat without the most crucial of necessities. Only the most cruel and callous would dare to question their need, yet some do. The time has come to take a stand and end the suffering of millions upon millions of children. The time has come to listen to their cries. We must provide the children with what they so desperately crave during those roasting hot summer days; the time has come to supply them with ice cream. Action has to be taken now, for this is not just an issue for the youth of America; this is an issue that effects all ages, ethnic groups, genders, and sexual orientations. For it is not just I who screams to have this need met, it is all of us. I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.

There is of course only one way that this yearning for ice cream can be satisfied, the United States Federal Government will have to nationalize all ice cream production and distribution to provide affordable ice cream for all Americans. A single parlor system, where the government owns every ice cream store, is the obvious solution to ensure that every American remains satisfied on a hot summer day. A new federal department, the department of Ice Cream Equality (ICE), will of course need to be created. Some might wonder how hiring tens of thousands of people to create this new agency will decrease the cost of ice cream production, but one simply needs to trust the government; after all, government never causes problems, it solves them.

After the Federal Government’s ICE department takes over the ice cream industry, the entire ice cream experience will be transformed for the consumer. This will occur because millions of new people, who were not purchasing ice cream before, will show up for their subsidized government ice cream. The first change will be noticed by people when they go to pick up their ice cream. Such an increase in demand will result in people spending a great deal of time waiting in line, because there are not enough ice cream stores to accommodate the new increase in demand.

After people have waited for hours in line, they will experience some of the other changes. ICE will have to change the recipe for ice cream. The main reason for this change is supply and demand. An increase in demand for ice cream production will decrease the supply of ice cream ingredients. As the supply decreases, the demand, and hence cost, for ice cream will go up. In order to keep up with the increase in demand, while at the same time keeping down the cost of ice cream, ingredients will have to be replaced with cheaper, artificial ingredients with funny sounding names like magnesium stearate. The ingredients will also be changed to reflect the federal government’s fetish for healthier food options. Chocolate will become a banned flavor, but do not worry; it will be replaced by government approved flavors like broccoli.

Some might not like the idea of having to wait longer for a lower quality product than what they currently enjoy, but take heart; it is not like the Federal Government is drastically changing a truly crucial industry like health care. That would be absurd.




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