Jul 14

My Employer Needs to Pay for My Bikram Yoga

My Employer Needs to Pay for My Bikram Yoga

by Progressive Pete

My job is very stressful and has taken quite a toll on me. All day long, I have to jump around to help coworkers, turn in reports, and try to serve customers that are very angry and not appreciative of my hard work. After working 12 hour work days and 50 hour work weeks for a “40 hours a week job,” I started to develop some unhealthy  coping habits. Maybe it was because I was at my wit’s end, but I could not get enough of Little Caesar’s Pizza. Before anyone judges me, keep in mind that their crazy bread is crazy good; however, eating it several times a week was probably a crazy idea in retrospect. After a few too many pizza runs and trips to a wings restaurant with two letters and the number 3 in its name, I was kind of a physical wreck. Something needed to be done, so I went to my boss and demanded that the company take responsibility for their actions.

By creating a hostile work environment, my employer had forced me to consume too much pizza; therefore, it was their responsibility to make things right. They needed to make me skinny and pretty again. After all that they did to me, it was only fair that they concede to a few basic demands.

For starters, the tense environment has got to go, adjustments need to be made. This is not just a problem for me. Stress is found in almost every work environment. This is nothing new, but what I am suggesting is. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) should take reasonable steps to regulate work stress, because it is not safe for me to be fat and stressed. It also hurts the love life; there are simply not enough chubby chasers out there to keep up with demand. OSHA should force all companies to implement stress reduction activities. Some progressive companies have already taken steps by installing vibrating chairs to provide a quick massage; however, since I have recently discovered eastern mysticism, it would be more culturally sensitive for me to receive acupuncture at work. Also, at least one hour should be set aside in the mid-morning for Tai Chi; after all, if one is to be productive, they need to have their chakras in alignment.

In order to lose the weight my employer placed upon me as a result of me eating too many pizzas, my company will have to take further steps to make amends. My diet is going to need to change; however, health food is not cheap. My company will obviously need to provide me with gift certificates to Rainbow Blossom Natural Food Markets, because this is the only place that provides the wild grass shakes I require to slim down. Working out is also essential to achieve my recovery. I have been told by my spiritual and meditation adviser that the best way to cleanse my body of the dangerous toxins is to exercise by conducting yoga poses in a room with a temperature of 103 degree for 90 minutes. Some people may believe that asking companies for all of these demands is a stretch, but these rooms do not heat themselves. They need cash to keep them burning.

Despite the reasonableness of my demands, some believe they are a bit much. My cruel critics criticize my care plan, but I disagree with their dissent, because if the government is able to require companies to provide health insurance for their full-time employees, then surely the government should be able to require stress reduction/correction acts to be performed by all employers as well. Companies need to realize if one of their employees wants something, it must be provided to them, no matter how much it costs. Employers must provide their employees with everything they might ever need. If the employers refuse, they should be brought before the United Nations and put on trial for human rights violations. There is no difference between forcing children to be soldiers and requiring employers to provide free Bikram Yoga, because both issues deal with forcing people to work in hazardous environments.

Heartless haters point out that someone must pay for all of these “perks.” To be honest, these naysayers do have a point. All of these additional benefits will increase the cost of services and products, which will be passed on to customers through higher prices. Some customers will pay the extra amount and have less money, while others will forgo the purchase. The loss of sales will force the company to either cut costs (a.k.a. fire people) or go out of business. All of this is true, but I do not care, because caring causes me to be stressed, and as my guru says, I should let go and let others pay.


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