May 04

Animal Farm: Review of a Progressive Income Restaurant

Animal Farm: Review of a Progressive Income Restaurant

Progressive Pete

butchertown_book_03Animal Farm is not your typical earth-friendly vegan progressive restaurant where the carrots are humanely harvested in culturally sensitive ways. This Louisvillian restaurant in the Butchertown neighborhood is so much more. Animal Farm is a restaurant where the customers are forced to take up the role of the most oppressed class of people on any farm, the animals. The entire dining experience is from this perspective in order to raise awareness and begin a conversation about our relationship to the food we eat.

From the moment one enters the Animal Farm, they are thrust into another world that compels them to confront the morality of their subsistence. As diners enter the restaurant, they are immediately pushed into a cramp waiting pen with poor ventilation and lighting to simulate the horrible overcrowding in industrial farms; however, if a customer pays a little extra, they can wait in the spacious free-range waiting room. The extra cost is just another way of showing how it costs more to produce free-range animals.

Once enough patrons arrive, the entire group, or herd, in the waiting pen is moved to the troughs. There are no tables or chairs, only several long troughs. Be forewarn, moving this many people can be hectic and chaotic within such a confined space. Often while the migration occurs, individuals will be separated from the rest of the people they came with. While being separated from one’s group sounds like a drawback, the breakup of groups is actually encouraged by the restaurant to help people experience what little piglets go through when torn away from their sow. Therefore, it is not unusual for little five-year-old children to be ripped apart from their families to enhance the learning experience.

The food is brought to the troughs by waiters dressed like farmers carrying large “slop” buckets. There is no menu to order from; customers simply receive what is being dished out. The slop is actually a combination of various leafy greens, grains, and antibiotics, making it a very delicious vegan dish. It does smell funny, but the fragrance only adds to the ambiance.

After reaching the bottom of one’s trough, the most progressive and enjoyable part of the dining experience occurs with the bill. Yes, this is usually the least favorite part of the meal, but in a progressive world things are often turned on their head, and the bill is no exception.

Most restaurants are run by capitalist scum who are trying to exploit their patrons in order to get fat off their wallets. They will determine the price of a person’s meal by charging everyone the same fee, which is more than the cost of the food in order to make a profit. Such behavior is utterly despicable and thankfully not done at Animal Farm.

This progressive income restaurant does the exact opposite. Animal Farm exploits some customers in order to benefit special classes of favored customers, because while all customers are equal, some customers are more equal than others. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a well-paying job; therefore, it is not fair, from a social justice perspective, to have everyone pay the same amount for their food. A more “equitable” system is to have people pay progressively, with the rich paying more and the poor paying less. In some cases, poor individuals will even receive money from the restaurant for eating there, instead of having to pay.

In order to pay one’s progressive bill, a person has to follow a few simple steps. First, a customer will need to supply their waiter with some paperwork. They will need to furnish documentation for all forms of income: wages from their employer, cancellation of any debt, unemployment income, income from contract work, distribution from retirement plans, sale of property, investment income, alimony, social security benefits, profit or loss from a business or farm, rental property, jury duty, scholarship, medical savings account, and gambling winnings. Also, the restaurant will need to know about any significant costs that have been incurred throughout the year: such as, childcare costs, education tuition, adoption, mortgage, charitable donations, medical expenses, employment expenses, and union dues.

After a person has collected all of the supportive documentation, they need to read the progressive bill manual. The manual is 73,954 pages long, which just happens to be the same length as the United States Federal Tax Code. Those in the know know it is often helpful to start reading the manual before arriving at the restaurant.

If for some reason a patron is in a rush and does not have time to read all 73, 954 pages, they can utilize one of the progressive bill accountants that work at the restaurant. These CPA accountants will be happy to prepare a diner’s bill for a fee.

No matter how a customer prepares their bill, they should plan ahead and anticipate that it will take at least one hour of waiting in the waiting pens, a half-hour for the eating of dinner, and ten hours to pay the bill. It may also take an additional five hours if a patron’s bill has been selected for an audit. From what I have heard, this is only likely to occur if a customer is rich or they have donated to conservative political groups.

After eating at Animal Farm, one’s clothes will smell funny, but the visitor will have learned about their relationship to food and how complicated a progressive income system is to pay for a bill.

In the next issue, Flat Tax Flat Cakes, a pancake house where everyone pays the same percentage of their income for the food, will be reviewed. Flat Tax Flat Cakes is also known for its unique billing system. In order to determine one’s bill at Flatty’s, a person simply writes down their income from their employer and they pay a percentage of the income. It takes less than a minute to determine the bill.


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